Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Multi Me...Bipolar

The truth about me as an artist is that I have many me's in the room as I create. Its not like multiple personality or anything...
But I go through my emotions and feel out so many feelings all at once and one at a time. This may sound impossible or distracting.
And yes sometimes it is distracting having feelings of super happy excitement and euphoria, then dashing down to uncertainty's and fear. I created this little strange photo arrangement to show you just a few of what I live with. 

  1. Happy, euphoric, excited, proud, certain, sure, real, hyper, and busy
  2. Anger, Rage, overwhelmed, tired, hungry, all together a big middle finger to all!
  3. Sad, Depressed, ashamed, disappointed, pathetic, not worth anything, and crushed
  4. paranoid, freaked out, worried, scared, trapped, alone, zoned, numb, and stuck

I do not write this to make you feel sorry for me, I write this so you can better understand that who I am greatly influences everything around me. My art, my life, my child, my husband, my cat, hell...even the weather...hee hee.

I want you to know that this is something real and its not as simple as just saying hello I have bipolar. There is yoga, meditation, vitamins, medications, support from friends and family...there is so so much that goes into keeping someone in some kind of balance. 

If you have bipolar don't worry your not alone. If you want to talk just do it. sometimes people will over react and say..."whats wrong with you! why are you letting so many know you have this?" "aww are you sad...we all get sad just don't kill your self" "chill out it's not that hard" "your doing well...just keep your chin up" there is endless things both good and bad...or even harmful people will say to you. 

at times you may say these things to your self. you will fight with your self all the time, every second. You will ask your self things, you will over think things, you will worry your self to a frenzy. Its hard and feels impossible to calm down or get your head together and "act like an adult" 

Artist are said to be selfish and child like. well...I both artist and bipolar...so yes sometimes 
but what you need to understand is I really can't help it at times. I feel lost, alone, unsure, and like I am failing. I know that is a "normal" feeling everyone has. When I feel that way it is to the extreme. 

Just understand I do my best. My issues are here and I am aware of them. Change is not easy.
I know that I must stop trying to prove my self to everyone and prove my self to ME! 
I have learned to love most of my sides...The one that is the hardest is the controlling angry resentful me.

One step at a time.

My advice...
"Find something you love that your good at that you can escape to and just feel who you are and know that you are "normal" you are who you are."
"Multi Me"

 Maybe this won't help anyone...maybe just one stranger will read this or maybe someone will read this and tell me I am wrong for sharing such personal stuff. 

But it is real. Why should I "stay in the closet" with my mental illness? 
So you will like me more? 
So you wont have to really know?
So I don't become a "crazy" person to others...

Bipolar may not be simple...But this blog post is. 
Its just me
An artist, at home mom, wife, and college student...
Expressing her self.