The first 2 were my very first attempt at paining with acrylics. Done around 2005 or 2006
At this point in my life I was very confused about what I wanted, but even more I was lonely in a way I can only explain as the loss of my self. I didn't know where I was going. I felt lost, alone, and scared...this was not a physical feeling either. My fears got so bad at this time that I was worried about every little thing...paranoia ran so deep inside my head! A crazy wave came over me. Was I losing my mind?
Thinking everyone was talking about me, no one liked me, I couldn't handle even the easiest tasks with out looking over my shoulder. The worst thought crossed my mind at this point and the scary thing was it wasn't just being paranoid it had truth to it.
AM I SCHIZOPHRENIC!!!
Now normally people would not think this to be a reality but my mother has some type of this mental illness. I was told at a young age by several medical professionals that I too could have this problem and they gave me some odd % to prove the "fact".
So at this time I did the only thing that felt right...
I started my journey to becoming an art lover! It was a way for me to escape my fears and worries that haunted me so badly.
Holding this brush tightly as I started with colors that made me feel something. I used symbols that meant something to me. The most odd thing started to happen, I felt calm.
I drifted into a place where I didn't have to be alone or scared. When I started with this blank area and then the next thing I knew when I looked up...
There was this amazing thing!
A huge feeling of accomplishment rushed over me, my skin tingled as I saw my feelings looking right back at me. It was a way of confronting my thoughts with out having to hear them in my head so loudly. I studied these quickly careful not to get sucked into the fear. What was going on?
How could one go blank and awaken with a total truth of one's self right there in front of them. I found my self at that very moment.
I couldn't stop! I just kept painting, drawing, sewing, and sculpting! Anything I could get my hands on or into that would give me that natural high of calm or excitement. The best part was each time I did this with a true heart I was left with a huge piece of me. It was like my own personal therapy. I was figuring out that the physical abuse I had taken was still hurting me. Then I saw the pain I was holding for so many things...
Then later on in my life things got even darker and harder. My problems with Bi-Polar and drinking were so out of control that I would wake the next day with my friends telling me I was found hiding in a corner with a empty shot glass and a knife. This was very very serious! I sketched out a outline of something on this canvas I had in my room...
The next day I woke to see this terrifying women looking back at me:
Her heart wrapped like a gift, stitches to show her pain, the scales of her hands holding both the good and bad, the moon at the top showing my emotions as bi-polar, and the dark huge empty eyes that pierced my soul. I noticed then there was a classic red lip smile that had clear tape across it.
When I saw the sketch I knew I was battling some deep issues.
I was fighting the balance of my two sides.
Part of me wanted to go to school, do well at my job, have a good boyfriend, eat well, exercise, and all that jazz...
But this darkness was still there creeping in after I took that 1st drink.The point to this overly long post is that if you feel this way...you're not alone. If you need help there is someone who can help! Don't let this go on to much longer...who knows what you could do with your life!
I am proud to say here in the Inland Empire we have a place called
They are an amazing group of people that are here to help people with mental illness through the love of art.
If you would like to know more please find them and just talk to them...Don't be shy!
They will understand!
If you just understand the issues with mental illness and would like to lend a helping hand PLEASE DO!
Check out these links:
Youtube: Crazy Art -A real look into this subject. I was amazed by this and would recommend it to all who are interested in the way art has and can heal people with mental illness.